Asking Foster Youth to Participate In Skills with you
Goal: Invite, not pressure; emphasize choice; recognize power imbalance; show partnership.
Script A: “Invitation + Choice”
"There’s a skill I learned recently to help me in tough moments. Would you be open to trying it together for just a few minutes? You can tell me if it doesn’t feel right.”
Script B: “Shared Benefit + Autonomy”
“I’m working on a strategy that might help both of us. I’d love to try it with you, but it’s totally your call. If you’re willing, we can go at your pace.”
Script C: “Normalize + Collaboration”
“Lots of people try new tricks to get through stressful days. I’m learning too. Want to experiment with one together and see what you think?”
De-Escalating a Situation With High Emotions
Goal: Reduce intensity, show safety, and validate emotion without reinforcing behavior.
Script A: “Name + Pause”
“I can see this feels really intense right now. Let’s take a minute to help it feel less intense. ”
Script B: “Validate + Containment”
“It makes sense that you’re upset. I want to understand you, not fight with you. Let’s slow down so I can actually hear what you’re trying to tell me.”
Script C: “Offer Regulation Options”
“We both need a breather. Do you want space alone, or would it help if we sit somewhere quieter together?”
Script D: “State Needs Calmly”
“I want us to talk about this, but not like this. I need us to pause for a bit so we can come back to this when we’re calmer.”
Building trust after a high-conflict or intense situation
Goal: Reduce intensity, show safety, and validate emotion without reinforcing behavior.
Script A: “Name + Pause”
“I can see this feels really intense right now. Let’s take a minute to help it feel less intense. ”
Script B: “Validate + Containment”
“It makes sense that you’re upset. I want to understand you, not fight with you. Let’s slow down so I can actually hear what you’re trying to tell me.”
Script C: “Offer Regulation Options”
“We both need a breather. Do you want space alone, or would it help if we sit somewhere quieter together?”
Script D: “State Needs Calmly”
“I want us to talk about this, but not like this. I need us to pause for a bit so we can come back to this when we’re calmer.”
Scripts for Managing Distress
Younger Teens (Ages 10 to 14)
Goal: More structure, more concrete choices, simpler language, and step-by-step grounding.
Script A: “Name + Normalize + Choice”
“It looks like your feelings got really big. That happens. Want to sit with me, squeeze a pillow, or take a walk?”
Script B: “Provide Containment”
“You’re safe. I’m right here. Let’s slow down together so your body can calm.”
Script C: “Praise Effort, Not Calmness”
“Thank you for staying with me. You’re doing something hard, and I see your effort.”
Older Teens (Ages 15 to 18)
Goal: More autonomy, more collaborative problem-solving, less directive tone.
Script A: “Acknowledge Autonomy”
“I can see things feel intense. Do you want space first, or would it help to talk it out with me?”
Script B: “Collaborative Regulation”
“What usually helps your body calm down, motion, quiet, music? I can support whatever you choose.”
Script C: “Adult-Level Validation”
“Given everything on your plate, it makes sense that this feels overwhelming. You don’t have to manage it alone.”
Script D: “Reassure Without Controlling”
“I’m here for you, not to tell you what to do. Let’s figure out what you need right now.”
Scripts for Asking Where They Were
All Ages
Goal: Communicate care, safety, and responsibility without shame or interrogation.
Script A: “Care, Not Control”
“You’re important to me, and I get worried when I don’t know if you’re safe. Can you help me understand what got in the way of telling me where you were?”
Script B: “Curiosity + Calm Tone”
“I’m not upset; I just want to make sure you’re okay. I’d love to hear how things went and establish a way to communicate where we are with each other moving forward. ”
Script C: “Acknowledge Autonomy”
“I respect that you want independence. I also need to know you’re safe. Can we work together to come up with a way to share plans?”
Script D: “Repair After Tension”
“I want to ask about where you were, but I want to do it in a way that feels respectful. I’m listening, not judging.”
Scripts for Supporting Youth After Self-Harm Statements
Younger Teens (Ages 10 to 14)
Goal: Ensure immediate safety, reduce shame, stay regulated, and open the door for support.
Script A: “Name + Safety + Simple Choices”
“Thank you for telling me that you’re hurting. You’re not in trouble. You’re safe, and I’m right here. Would you feel better sitting next to me or holding something comforting while we talk?”
Script B: “Normalize + Containment”
“Sometimes when feelings get really big, our brain says scary things. That doesn’t mean you’re bad or broken. Let’s slow down together so I can help keep you safe.”
Older Teens (Ages 15 to 18)
Goal: Ensure immediate safety, reduce shame, stay regulated, and open the door for support. Script C: “Autonomy + Seriousness + Support”
“I’m really glad you told me. When people say things like that, it usually means the pain feels unmanageable. You don’t have to deal with that alone. Can we talk about what was happening right before you felt this way?”
Script D: “Respect + Safety Planning”
“I hear you. When thoughts like that show up, it’s a sign we need extra support, not judgment. I want to understand what you need to feel safe right now. Do you want space while I stay nearby, or do you want to sit together?”
Scripts for Handling Refusal to Attend Therapy
Younger Teens (AGES 10 to 14)
Goal: Avoid power struggles, explore reasons behind refusal, and show partnership.
Script A: “Curiosity + Simple Reason Check-In”
“It sounds like you really don’t want to go today. Can you help me understand what part feels hard, meeting someone new, talking about feelings, or something else?”
Script B: “Choice + Small Steps”
“Therapy can feel weird or scary, and that’s okay. How about this: we go just to check in, and if it still feels uncomfortable, we can talk to the therapist together about making it easier.”
Older teens (Ages 15 to 18)
Goal: Avoid power struggles, explore reasons behind refusal, and show partnership.
Script C: “Autonomy + Transparency”
“I hear you don’t want to go. You get to have a say. I also want to make sure you’re getting support that fits what you need. What’s making therapy feel like a ‘no’ today? The therapist? The topic? The timing?”
Script D: “Collaborative Problem Solving”
“Skipping usually means something isn’t working, either the therapist, the approach, or how you’re feeling right now. I’m open to adjusting things. Can we talk about what would make it feel more useful or less stressful for you?”
Scripts for Dealing With Birth-Parent Conflict
ALL Ages
Goal: Avoid triangulation, protect the youth from adult conflict, and validate complex loyalty and emotions.
Script A: “Validate Their Loyalties”
“It’s completely okay to care about your parents and also feel upset or confused. You don’t have to pick sides with me.”
Script B: “Neutrality + Safety”
“You never have to choose between us. I’m here to help you feel secure, no matter what’s happening with the adults.”
Script C: “When They’re Angry at Both Sides”
“You’re allowed to feel all of this, anger, confusion, frustration. I’m here if you’d like to talk or process.”
Scripts for Handling Refusal to Attend School
younger teens (ages 10 to 14)
Goal: Explore underlying barriers like anxiety, bullying, exhaustion, or avoidance without triggering shutdown.
Script A: “Validate + Gentle Exploration”
“It seems like your body really doesn’t want to go today. That usually means something feels hard at school. Is it someone, something, or a feeling?”
Script B: “Break It Down + Offer Support”
“Going back can feel really tough. How about we take it one step at a time, getting dressed first, then checking in again? I’ll help you, and we don’t have to rush.”
Older teens (ages 15 to 18)
Goal: Explore underlying barriers like anxiety, bullying, exhaustion, or avoidance without triggering shutdown.
“I hear you saying you don’t want to go. I’m not here to force you, I want to understand what’s behind it. Is it stress, feeling overwhelmed, something happening at school, or something else? How about one thing that you’re looking forward to at school?”
Script D: “Shared Problem Solving + Adult Tone”
“School avoidance usually means something deeper is going on, burnout, anxiety, conflict, or just feeling done. Let’s figure out what’s getting in the way today and what support would actually help you show up.”
Responding When Youth Say "I Don't Care"
Younger Teens (ages 10 to 14)
Goal: Identify the emotion underneath the shutdown phrase, reduce defensiveness, and keep the connection open without escalating the interaction.
Script A: “Name the Feeling Behind the Words”
“When you say ‘I don’t care,’ it sounds like things might feel too big or too hard right now. I’m here to help whenever you’re ready.”
Script B: “Keep the Door Open”
“It’s okay if it feels like you don’t care right now. Your feelings matter to me, even if it’s hard to talk about them.”
Older teens (Ages 15 to 18)
Goal: Identify the emotion underneath the shutdown phrase, reduce defensiveness, and keep the connection open without escalating the interaction.
Script C: “Respect the Emotion, Invite Honesty”
“Sometimes ‘I don’t care’ really means ‘this is too much’ or ‘I don’t want to get into it.’ If that’s what’s going on, I get it. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
Script D: “Shift From Content to Connection”
“You don’t have to care about the situation, but I care about you. If something’s weighing on you, you don’t have to deal with it alone.”
Responding When Youth Say "Leave Me Alone"
Younger Teens (ages 10 to 14)
Goal: Honor the youth’s need for space while ensuring emotional and physical safety, and signal continued availability for support or reconnection.
Script A: “Honor Space + Reassure Safety”
“Okay, I hear you need some space. I’ll be right in the next room if you want me. You’re not in trouble.”
Script B: “Check Safety + Reduce Threat”
“I can tell you want to be on your own. I’m going to give you space, and I’m still close by. If you need anything, even just to sit near me, tell me.”
Older teens (Ages 15 to 18)
Goal: Honor the youth’s need for space while ensuring emotional and physical safety, and signal continued availability for support or reconnection.
Script C: “Autonomy + Boundaries + Availability”
“I respect that you want to be alone. I’ll step back. Before I go, I just want to make sure you’re safe. I’ll check in later unless you reach out sooner.”
Script D: “Non-Defensive Repair Invitation”
“Got it, you need space. I won’t push. When you’re ready to reconnect, even briefly, I’ll show up without judgment.”
Optional add-ons (if youth seem distressed)
These can be used with any age if safety is a concern:
Script: “Safety Check Without Pressure”
“Before I step away, I just want to make sure you’re safe. Do you feel confident that you can keep yourself safe for the next 5 minutes?”
Script: “Set a Gentle Touchpoint”
“I’ll give you space and check back in in about 15 minutes, just to make sure you’re doing alright.”